What to Actually Look For When Choosing a Couples Counsellor

Most people choosing a relationship therapist ask the same first question when they are choosing a couples counsellor:

do they take my health fund rebate, and are they close by?

Fair questions, but they won't tell you whether the person on the other end of that first session can actually help you.

Here's what I think matters more, and it's rarely what's advertised.

1. How much time you actually get in the first session

Most practices default to a 50–60 minute initial session, because that's the standard hour-long appointment slot. In couples work, that's often not enough. Think about what has to happen in that first meeting: the counsellor needs to hear the history of the relationship, understand what's happening right now, and get a clear sense of what each of you actually wants from counselling, before any real work can start.

That's a lot to compress into an hour, especially when both people are also nervous, guarded, or hoping the other one goes first. 

When you're choosing a counsellor, it's a fair question to ask directly: how long is the first session, and why?

2. Whether you get seen individually as well as together

A well-structured couples process usually includes individual time as well as joint sessions. 

That matters for a simple reason: some context is genuinely easier to give one-on-one, the history you're each carrying, and what you actually want out of counselling, without needing to

manage your partner's reaction in the room while you say it.

When you're choosing a counsellor, it's worth asking whether individual time is built in, and how what's shared there connects back to the joint sessions. Practices vary on this, and it's a fair thing to ask about upfront rather than assume.

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3. Whether they're working with you, or working through a checklist

This is a harder thing to assess before you've met someone, but it matters as much as the first two. There's a real difference between a counsellor who is trained in structured approaches; CBT, Narrative Therapy, the Gottman Method and applies them with genuine attention to you, and a counsellor who is running through the same script regardless of who's in the room.

The frameworks aren't the problem. Evidence-based approaches exist because they work. What you're actually assessing is whether the counsellor is present with what's happening between you two right now, or whether they're filling in the next form in the sequence. This is, in a real sense, a mindfulness question as much as a clinical one, attunement to what's actually alive in the room, not just adherence to a protocol. A counsellor who can hold the structure and stay genuinely present with you is doing both things at once, and that combination is what you're looking for.

4. The real problem is rarely "we don't communicate"

Almost every couple who comes to counselling opens with some version of:

...we don't talk anymore, there's no connection.

In my experience, that's usually the symptom, not the cause. Underneath it, I tend to find the relationship is missing balance in a few specific places:

• Trust: not just fidelity, but reliability. Can you count on what they tell you?

• Transparency and accountability: do you both actually own your part, or does responsibility disappear the moment it's raised?

• "Having each other's back": do you feel like a team to the outside world, or like you're each managing the relationship alone?

• Respect and recognition: do you feel seen and valued for who you are, not just for what you do?

When one or more of these is missing, communication breaks down as a downstream effect, not because people forgot how to talk to each other, but because talking stops feeling safe or worthwhile. This is a clinical lens I use, not a checklist that applies identically to every relationship, but it's a more useful starting question than "why don't we communicate" on its own.

Choosing a counsellor is choosing who you'll be honest with at your most difficult moments.

Ask about session length. Ask whether individual time is offered. Pay attention to whether they seem present with you, not just running a process. And if "we don't communicate" is where you're starting from, it's worth asking what's underneath that, because that's usually where the actual work begins.